A victim of childhood sexual abuse has said she was left “numb” by the decision of the Director of Public Prosecutions not to proceed with a case after a five year long investigation. 

The abuse started when ‘Mary’ was just six years old and continued for four years. 

In college, she realised she was having trouble forming relationships and went to the Limerick Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre. 

Speaking to Moncrieff, Mary said she received “brilliant” support but that some things do still trigger her. 

 “Situations just can leave me very upset and have a panic attack,” she explained.

“I have the coping mechanisms to deal with those panic attacks but they come out of nowhere.” 

For many years, Mary did not want to report her abuse. Instead, she focused on her career and personal life. 

However, the experience of pregnancy made her reconsider. 

“Pregnancy was horrendous,” she continued. 

“Flashbacks all the way through and I just found it really difficult to deal with people invading my body. 

“So, after I had the baby, it was a baby girl and I decided to set up an informal restorative meeting with the person who had abused me. This was facilitated by a mutual person and I thought that might help.” 

Although the abuser admitted to some of what they’d done, they did not admit to everything and Mary left feeling “greatly let down”. 

The turning point was when her daughter’s school announced they would be taught about personal safety at school. 

Although Mary was “delighted” to hear her daughter would be taught about this important issue, she also found it “extremely triggering”. 

Reporting the abuse

She decided to contact An Garda Síochána and quickly received a call from a member of the Garda National Protective Services Bureau. 

“He was absolutely brilliant,” she recalled. 

“He talked me through the steps and said I should write down everything.

“So, I spent that whole weekend, typed up a very detailed document and he explained to me that if I go ahead with this, a lot of the control is gone - you become a witness in it. 

“It's not your case, it's the DPP's case and he made it very clear that this could go on for years.” 

In the end, Mary decided to proceed but it soon became clear the case was highly complex, not least because the perpetrator lives overseas. 

However, it seems unlikely they will ever face justice. 

“Last Monday, two weeks ago, I was in work, got a text from the detective asking, ‘Can I take a call?’” she recalled. 

“And she just said, ‘Look, the DPP has decided not to go ahead.’

“They're asking for us to come forward and report these cases - which I did - and I followed every step of the process. 

“And I just think at this point, why do I then have to go download a document called How to Request Reasons and Reviews? 

“It's a 10-page document that I then have to fill out within 28 days; honestly, for the about 10 days after I got that call, I was numb.” 

Overall, Mary worries her experience will erode faith in the legal system among victims who are considering whether to come forward. 

If you have been impacted by sexual violence, you can contact Women’s Aid’s National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Main image: Gardaí. Picture by: Leah Farrell/RollingNews.ie.