This week on Parenting, one mother asked for help convincing her teenage daughter to keep going to school.

“My daughter has just gone into fifth year and is completely refusing to go to school,” she told Moncrieff.

“We struggled with this last year, but it wasn’t as much of a battle with it being a transition year.

“They school has been very good; they were able to give her a reduced timetable, but it doesn’t seem to be helping.

“I’m at my wit’s end. It’s a fight every morning.

“She isn’t getting bullied, she has friends in her year, she just really hates the place.

“I don’t know what to do anymore. Do you have any advice on how to make it easier for her?”

Upset annoyed parent mom talking arguing with teen girl daughter sitting on couch at home. Image: Zoonar GmbH. 9 November 2024

Family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said this parent has already taken a key first step by engaging the school in the matter.

“School refusal is not something a family are going to resolve on their own,” she said.

“It takes a multifaceted approach, it is a combination of school effort, home effort and the young person themselves.

“Many, if not most of the young people I work with who are experiencing school refusal, it’s not that they don’t want to go to school, they do – they just can’t get in there.”

Other factors

Joanna said that while parents may not understand what their children are feeling or why, it is important to still remain empathetic to their struggles.

“I note this parent is quick to say, ‘Look, there’s no bullying’,” she said.

“Could there be anything else going on in terms of mental health, mental well-being, any peer issues?

“It doesn’t have to be bullying for it to be a peer issue, by the way.

“[Is there] anything going on in their personal life outside of school as well that could contribute to this?

"Is there anything going on in the family unit – bereavement, separation, house moves – anything that has been a change of circumstance?”

Mother comforting her upset teen daughter at home. Image: olga Yastremska / Alamy. 15 January 2023

According to Joanna, while it would be ideal that this child one day returns to full-time attendance, that should not be the initial goal.

“Make a plan with her – not for her, not against her, not about her; make it with her,” she said.

“Sit her down and make her a collaborator on the plan of action.

“[Say], ‘Look, I see it’s hard, we all see this. I want to help you, but I’m going to work with you on this; what feels manageable as a goal this week?’

“And you set that goal and you get to the end of the week and you praise effort over outcome.”

Joanna also recommended that even if the girl does not make it into school, that she could still be doing class work at home in her uniform, to keep her used to the routine and stop her falling behind.

Main image: Blurred mother arguing with dissatisfied teenage girl near laptop. Image: LightField Studios Inc. 20 November 2020