How can you help your child if they have a fear of the dark and anxiety of being on their own?
That was one of the questions on this week's parenting slot, where Joanna Fortune - psychotherapist specialising in child & adult psychotherapy - answers Moncrieff listeners' questions.
The question
"My 5-year-old is petrified of the dark. He won't go anywhere in the house if the lights are off, even during the day. I've left steps at doors for him so he can be in control of turning the lights on. We’ve spent time playing in all the rooms in the house so he is familiar. But I'm having to go with him everywhere in the house to show him there is nothing scary.
"He makes a huge drama if he has to go anywhere by himself and there is a full-on meltdown if he's left on his own, especially at bedtime. It can be seriously frustrating.
"We're being very patient but it's really starting to affect sleep in the house for us and his two-year-old sister, as he wakes up screaming and won't stay in his own bed or go back to sleep.
"Our biggest issue coming up is we've held off on moving him into another room to make way for our office space as I just don't think he is ready. Any tips to help us overcome his fear of the dark and anxiety of being on his own?"
Joanna’s advice
"The poor little guy - this is more than a fear of the dark.
"Fear of the dark tends to really spike around the age when children develop really rich imaginations - they can conjure up all kinds of things that will exist in the dark. They still struggle to distinguish fantasy from reality. That’s basically from three years old up.
"Fear is quite a normal - albeit unpleasant - part of life. We all have hesitations, worries and fears - they tend to be at their most pronounced when we’re faced with having to try something new… which is basically every day for children. They always have something new going on.
"I do think, though, that there’s more than fear of the dark here - you’re talking he won’t go anywhere in the house unless the lights are off.
"Unless you live in a cave… that’s not about the dark. That’s about being removed or at a distance from you.
"I’m wondering how he coped with the separation going into preschool? Has there been any significant life events or changes in his life? Always think about what would be significant through the eyes and mind of a five-year-old child.
"I’d also say to reflect on his TV and screen use. I’m not saying that’s the cause of it - just reflect on it to get some understanding of what he’s watching, how much of it is he watching, and what time of the day he’s watching it.
"You’d be amazed the little themes that are in children’s cartoons, about vampires and monsters… all lovely and colourful. They’re good monsters… but they’re still monsters.
"If he’s watching a lot of it or very close to bedtime, he will carry some of that upstairs into the dark… when his overactive imagination is on fire.
"Also think about what bedtime stories you’re reading. Thematically, who are the characters? What are they up to? What kind of fears are in the books? Often, there’s something that character has to overcome or master - think about that.
"Ultimately, be respectful of the fear - don’t minimise or dismiss it. I’m hearing you say you’ve been really understanding, but I’m also hearing in this letter frustration, exhaustion, fatigue. If I can hear it, so can he.
"Try to empathise more - talk about fear, talk about what it is, emphasise that it’s something he can master and that you’ll be there to help. Be available physically and emotionally… attend to what’s underneath this fear, which is the bubbling anxiety that’s about more than the dark.
"If anyone other parent is listening and saying ‘ours is exclusively a fear of the dark’... one of the ways you can do that is to play in the dark. Make it fun, make it creative - play with shadows and a torch. Show there’s nothing to be scared of.
"If you’re checking under beds or in wardrobes, try not to use language like ‘no monsters there’. While you’re doing a reassurance, you’re also giving some credence to the existence of those things. Talk about what’s in the wardrobe, rather than what’s not."
