This week on Parenting, one mother asked how to explain to her son that having another child is not an option for his parents. 

“Our son is seven, we went on quite a prolonged and often painful fertility journey when we were trying to conceive him,” she told Moncrieff. 

“We were absolutely elated when things finally went our way, and we adore him with all our hearts. 

“Very soon after his birth, we talked about trying for a second child, but over the next few years, it became clear this was not going to happen for us. 

“Naturally, we were upset, but we were also delighted with our small family and our fantastic son. 

“Generally, he’s very happy, but recently, he’s begun to ask why he doesn’t have a sibling and when he might expect one.” 

The letter writer said her son has been getting “increasingly pushy” on the topic, but that she is unsure how to have an appropriate conversation with him. 

Little moody boy. Image: Angela Hampton Picture Library / Alamy. 3 April 2016

Family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said that while there’s no use of getting into “the ins and outs of fertility support” with a seven-year-old, a age-appropriate conversation can still be had. 

“I think it is important, taking his interest in a sibling and having one, to introduce the idea of all kinds of family formation,” she said. 

“You know, that, ‘Some people have one parent, some have two, some have two mams, two dads, some have stepparents’. 

“That you go through, ‘families can come in all shapes, sizes and formations, and our family are the three of us’. 

“You state it as fact, and if you want to go into any more detail, you could tell him that your family is complete and it’s going to be the three of you and your body is done making babies.” 

Validate feelings

However, Joanna said it is still important to validate this little boy’s desire for a sibling. 

“He’s allowed to express, ‘I want to be like everyone else’, because I think that’s really what he’s saying,” she said. 

“And you’re also able to say, ‘Of course you do, that makes complete sense, it won’t be happening here’. 

“I imagine there’s a bit of guilt there as well, even though there’s nothing they could have done about it. 

“And I think even beyond guilt, there might be still some desire and longing that you wished he was going to have a sibling.” 

Fistral Beach in Newquay, Cornwall. Image: G Scammell. 3 April 2016

According to Joanna, it is important for this mother to mind herself, and to understand that she may find her son’s comments triggering even if she knows he doesn’t mean them to be. 

Joanna also said that research has shown that only children fare just as well as their peers and are at no social disadvantage. 

In saying that, she said his parents will likely have to lend more of their time to play with him than if he had any siblings. 

Main image: Siblings. Image: Cavan Images. 15 January 2019