On this week’s Parenting segment, one father asked whether he should turn a blind eye to his underage son drinking a few beers at a friend's house.

“My eldest son is 16,” he told Moncrieff.

“I’m not naive; I was a 16-year-old boy myself once, I know that some kids start drinking at that age, but I didn’t, and I don’t want that for my son either.

“I’m in a WhatsApp group with the parents of his core group of friends - the issue of drinking has come up recently, and one of the parents has flirted the idea that we let them have a few beers every now and again in her house.

“The logic being that they’re going to do it anyway, and they may as well be in an environment where they’re properly supervised and safe.

“She even indicated that we could pretend to the children that only that particular parent would allow it, and the rest of us didn’t know.

A posed 12 year old boy showing the problems of underage drinking in the UK. Image: T.M.O.Pictures. 13 June 2012

“I hate this idea, and I told the parents as much.

“The problem is the rest of them accepted the proposal and said they’d respect my decision and leave my son out of it.

“Now I’m left with essentially banning my kid from going to that house on weekend nights for no good reason that he’s aware of.

“I don’t believe in lying to my child, and I don’t believe he should be breaking the law – what do I do?”

Legal issues

Family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said this situation was walking “a very fine legal line”.

“Who’s supplying the alcohol?” she said.

“Never mind supervising it; who’s buying it? Who’s supplying it? Supplying alcohol to a minor is a legal issue, just putting it out there.

“The other thing is - research will show this as well, it’s not just my opinion – permissive underage drinking does not stop them drinking more excessively or outside of your house.

“Teenagers will always seek to push boundaries and test limits, no matter how fluid and friendly your boundaries are.

“They’re still going to go, ‘Hmm, interesting, you let me do that, but what else can I do?’”

Angry parents arguing with their teenage son in headphones at home. Image: Pixel-shot. 15 December 2023

According to Joanna, there is also no way this plan would stay hidden from the teens for any length of time.

“Are you going to collect your kids, ignore the fact that they’ve clearly consumed alcohol and pretend you don’t notice or react to the fact that they’ve consumed alcohol, and act like you didn’t set it up for them to do it?” she said.

“There’s so much in here that is going to fail; it’s bizarre.”

Honesty

With this in mind, Joanna advised the letter writer to be honest with his son and tell him the real reason why he can no longer go to a certain friend’s house on weekends.

“You’re saying, ‘There’s no good reason that he’s aware of not to go to the house’ - there’s a very good reason,” she said.

“You’ve thought about it, you’ve considered it, you’ve strong thoughts – tell him.

“He’s going to know, by the way, his friends are drinking in that house, so you’re not keeping that a secret from anyone.

“You can say, ‘I’m aware that’s going to be going on in that person’s house and I’m not okay with it, therefore I’m not letting you go'.”

Overall, Joanna said the situation was “a very strange one” and stressed that this type of strategy will not prevent excessive underage drinking.

Main image: Group Of Teenagers Hanging Out Together Outside Drinking. Image: Stockbroker. 14 July 2010