My daughter is four years old and I now have a nine-month-old daughter also. My first born is not handling sibling rivalry very well and I am worried it’s now getting dangerous for my baby. The other day a friend who was babysitting witnessed my four-year-old stuff a sock down my baby’s throat. I'm praying its child’s play, but should I be worried?
Yes, well that type of behaviour is understandably concerning but perhaps it may be taken out of context. Because we as adults know the consequences of shoving a sock in a baby’s mouth is dangerous, this does not mean that your four-year-old has this awareness so it is important to explore the concept of ‘intent’ when it comes to the actions of this age group.
Sometimes these acts that are perceived as dangerous can simply be an act of misadventure when it comes to small children. My almost three-year-old daughter gave her five-month-old brother a Smartie recently, which was dangerous because he could have choked – but her intention was to not leave him out of the sweet eating that she and her older brother were enjoying at the time, not to hurt him.
I have thought about this over the years and I think our expectations might be too idealistic when it comes to creating harmonious sibling relationships. The truth is some brothers and sisters bicker their whole lives, so maybe we need to accept the fact that a certain level of disharmony is unavoidable.
On the other hand, it's a good idea to teach your children the importance of treating each other respectfully and resolving their own conflicts. Refereeing sibling rivalry is a laborious task but with some careful navigation we can minimise the headaches and make life at home more manageable.
Generally, sibling rivalry is the strongest when children are between one and three years of age at their sibling’s birth. One-to-three year-olds are still very dependent on parents to meet their needs. They haven’t learned how to share their parents or anything else for that matter. A new baby can be very threatening.
After the age of three, children become more independent. For example, three-year-olds may be toilet trained and able to feed themselves. They may have friends outside of the home and, therefore, won’t be as possessive of their parents as younger children. For older children, though, this is often a time of confusion and older children notice when their daily routines are disturbed and account responsibility to the new arrival for this happening.
Most of the time, children feel love for a new brother or sister, but they may also feel anger or jealousy at times. These conflicting feelings can be very confusing to older children.
By expecting the child to embrace the new arrival and give away all of their ‘stuff’ the older child may resent this and this is understandable. Imagine if your spouse/ partner arrived home one day and said “Here is a new person, they are going to live with us forever and I am going to love them the same way that I love you and I expect you to be happy about it and share all of your things with them”... I don’t think you would be too pleased about that.
Sibling rivalry is unavoidable. Whenever two or more children live together, there are bound to be conflicts and jealousy. Parents can’t eliminate sibling rivalry. They can, however, help to minimise it. Expecting and preparing for this inevitability will help parents make life easier for themselves and for their children.
Colman Noctor is a Child and Adolescent Psychoanalytical Psychotherapist. He has worked across a range of Child & Adolescent Mental Health Services both in Ireland and abroad and he has a wealth of national and international clinical experience. Listen back to his parenting slot in the podcast below:
