There’s a thing weirdly addictive about watching draws for big soccer tournaments. The era of Hollywood style productions began in the 90s when Ireland were involved, so this meant you were obliged to watch as that draw on a cold winter’s day would dictate your movements the following summer. They’re all a blur but think David Hasselhoff and you get the picture.
The razzmatazz seems to be predicated on a weird one-world vision where we are all one big family with Daddy Sepp Blatter at the top of our table. You have to love Sepp. Really. Who else could talk countries into paying for, sorry I mean hosting, a world cup in your country but then allow FIFA to bunk off with all the profits. Don’t worry, we’ll all wave our yellow FIFA flags and intone ‘fair play’ and all the troubles of the world will disappear.
Hosting the World Cup. Now there is a thing. Whether we like it or not, the best World Cups are in places where there is a strong footballing heritage along with a strong economic infrastructure. Think Italy ‘90, think Germany ‘06. Oh dear: in Daddy Sepp’s world that’s far too Eurocentric so let’s head to South Africa and bankrupt them. Even better, let’s head to Qatar in 2022 and morally bankrupt the whole world and / or kill a few footballers / builders during the run-up and the tournament. Clear a few favelas in time for Brazil 2014? That’s a matter for the host country, Daddy Sepp would say.
Back to the draw. 32 Teams. Eight groups of four. FIFA even have a monthly seedings’ list so what could possibly go wrong? Well, in pursuit of Daddy Sepp’s one big cuddly world vision, no two teams from any one continent can play each other in a group. Why? Go ask your father.
Yes, we will all laugh when England gets drawn to play in the Amazon at midday. Yes, we will have that ping of regret that we’re not there. More importantly, we can look forward to heading to pubs at 4pm and not leaving til the final whistle of the 11pm game. At least Daddy Sepp got that right.
Just in case you think I’m going soft on Daddy, here’s what he said about us after that goal 4 years ago...
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