Declan Buckley, and Barbara Scully and guest host Fionnuala Jones help tackle a listener's dilemma.

In this week’s So You Think You’re An Adult on Moncrieff, a man shared that he and his wife’s celibacy was putting a significant strain on their marriage. 

“My wife was my childhood sweetheart and was the first and only woman I have ever slept with. We had a good sex life throughout our married life”, he said.

“It wouldn't break the internet if it was leaked to the public, but it was a very loving relationship,or at least I thought so. My wife went through menopause almost 10 years ago and went off sex immediately.

"We both discussed this openly and it was clear that this might be temporary. However, my wife and I have not been close in any way since then and it's starting to really play on my mind.”

The man said he tried to broach the subject on several occasions but has been consistently dismissed by his wife. 

He noted that even though they sleep in the same bed, there’s a “lack of any real closeness” and in order to cope he’s stopped thinking about his wife in this way. 

“I've stopped saying that she looks good or that I like her hair or just the chat we used to have. It's just really starting to frustrate me,” he told Newstalk. 

The man added he hoped that this would be a temporary issue between them but that ten years later, there’s no sign of any change saying he hopes to have sex at least once more before he is too old. 

Broadcaster Barbara Scully said that while this situation is difficult, it was unlikely they were the first couple facing the issue. 

“I think it's a shame that they haven't managed to have a chat about it (3:09) because I think, like most problems, the beginning of trying to solve it is by having open, honest communication between you.

“I think the husband’s mind is focused solely on the physical lack of sex which is a big deal but now he’s wondering if she’s ever liked having sex with him, and not wanting to think about her at all. There’s a kind of coldness there where he doesn’t even compliment her.”

Annoyed woman. Picture by: Prasit Rodphan.

Her advice would be to take the focus off the physical aspect of the relationship because the connection part of the relationship seemed to currently be broken. 

“I think he needs to concentrate on building back the connection and not the physical sex part necessarily. If she’s not willing to have an open conversation yet, he can try to be a bit more supportive,” she added. 

She suggested having the discussion over a nice dinner for example. 

Guest Host Fionnuala Jones said that the husband’s withdrawal from all forms of intimacy could be affecting his partner severely and was in favour of re-initiating the discussion. 

Broadcaster Declan Buckley said the situation is multi-faceted. 

He acknowledged that the man has legitimate needs but that the menopause is a significant change in a woman’s and by extension a couple’s life. 

A couple discussing issues during therapy. Picture by: Tetra Images.

“The bottom line is compassion, understanding and reconnection - it does rely on conversations”, he told Moncrieff guest host Fionnula Jones. 

Broadcaster Barbara Scully inferred that the wife’s libido may have returned but her confidence may have never recovered from the lack of intimacy with her husband.

“He’s not complimenting her or paying her attention and she can sense that. And so, they've got themselves into this kind of stalemate almost,” she said. 

“I think there’s some male entitlement there as well. I think there’s this idea that they’re entitled to have sex on a regular basis particularly if you’re married and you're not,” she added.

Main Image: Bed Together With Man Reading Book.