This week on Parenting, one mother asked for help comforting her daughter after the recent breakdown of a long-term friendship.

“My daughter is 13,” she told Moncrieff.

“She came home very upset from school all last week.

“It seems that her best friend is no longer speaking to her and the whole friendship group is now divided.

“There doesn’t seem to have been one major incident or fight, but my daughter is now crying at home every night as she feels she’s lost her best friend.

“I’ve tried chatting to her and comforting her, telling her that things will pass.

“I’m actually contemplating ringing the mother of the other girl at school to see if they could enlighten me on what’s going on.

“But my husband told me it’s not our battle to fight and it’s all part of growing up.

“I know being a teenage girl is tough and friendships can be fickle, but I don’t want to see her upset.

“When should I step in, and what can I do as a parent?”

Upset annoyed parent mom talking arguing with teen girl daughter sitting on couch at home. Image: Zoonar GmbH. 9 November 2024

Family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said that while these incidents may seem easy to get over from a grownups point of view, they are much more difficult for a teenager to navigate.

“The reality is, especially for teenage girls, friendships are very intense,” she said.

“You can have a high degree of intimacy, and when they fail or they fall apart or they end, it really can be quite devastating and akin to heartbreak for the girls involved.

“So, I wouldn’t see female friendships at this age as fickle, I think intensity is part of the challenge.”

'Well-meaning platitudes'

Joanna agreed with this woman’s husband, and strongly advised her not to call the other girl’s mother.

“You cannot jump in and rescue her with your well-intentioned 'fix-and-rescue' agenda,” she said.

“You cannot do that because she’s going to reject all your efforts because you’re going to come in and try and sugarcoat it and say, ‘Well, sure look, that’s her loss, not yours’.

“All of these platitudes that we have are so well-meaning, [but] what she needs is that you meet her where she’s at; that she’s distressed, she’s upset.

“Practice being with her and active listening so that you’re just hearing her out, only reflecting back what she has said.”

According to Joanna, it is best to refrain from telling the teen that she should move on and make other friends, and instead support her through her grief.

Moving forward, Joanna said it wouldn’t be a bad idea to encourage her to join clubs and activities outside of school in the hopes that she may broaden her social circle.

Main image: Girlfriends consoling sad anxious teenage girl (Westend61 GmbH / Alamy Stock Photo)