On this week’s Parenting segment, one mother asked for advice for coping with her teenage daughter’s rudeness.

“I have a 13-year-old daughter and we have always had a good relationship, but I find recently that she has completely shut me out,” she told Moncrieff.

“I understand she is maturing and it is at this point where you naturally rebel and want to spend time with your friends, but she is being very rude to me.

“We’d arranged to spend a day shopping together and I booked the day off work.

“Then when it came down to it, she said she didn’t want to go and just refused.

“I know it wasn’t about the shopping because she loves clothes; so it was that she didn’t want to spend a day with me.

“I know teenage girls can rebel against their mothers, but I didn’t expect this treatment.

“How do I handle it to get her to talk to me or have I lost my sweet daughter until she grows up?”

Mother comforting her upset teen daughter at home. Image: olga Yastremska / Alamy. 15 January 2023

Family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said that while these behaviours are not “terribly pleasant, they are developmentally typical and normal”.

“It would be easy for me to say, ‘Oh, she’s pushing against you, mom, because it’s safe for her to do so, she knows you’re going to love her anyway’, and all of that’s true,” she said.

“But I don’t want it to sound dismissive, because I can feel in this letter that there’s a lot of bristling from the parent, and it really is about a perceived lack of maybe actual lack of respect.

“You can call her out on that, but do it in a way that keeps the door of communication open.”

Fear of confrontation

Joanna recommended this mother let her daughter know that her actions are disrespectful, but also to not let that ruin her day.

“I wonder, is there a bit of a fear of confrontation, that they don’t feel like that can establish that, ‘I have been disrespected here, I took the day off work’,” she said.

“That confrontation piece is unavoidable in adolescence.

“If you are a conflict averse parent or person during this phase of your child’s adolescence, it’s going to be very difficult because she’s going to pursue conflict.”

According to Joanna, it is also important to keep in mind that this woman’s daughter could have cancelled the shopping trip for any number of reasons.

She said that while it is still important to let the teen know she is being rude, “the important thing is that you keep the door of communication open”.

Main image: Upset annoyed parent mom talking arguing with teen girl daughter sitting on couch at home. Image: Zoonar GmbH. 9 November 2024