This week on Parenting, one mother asked how to help her 7-year-old daughter deal with children in her class being mean to her and excluding her. 

 “She has been upset in the mornings going to school, and I just found out from her that some of the girls in her class are being unkind,” she told Moncrieff. 

“They shout go away in her face, tell her they don't want to play with her. 

 “She doesn't understand why as they were all previously friends and it changes day to day so there's no consistency. 

 “She arrived a little late to a party at a play center on the weekend, and my husband overheard the girls telling her to go away and leave them to alone when she walked up to them. 

 “We try to highlight the importance of kindness in our home, but it feels like we're swimming against the tide. 

 The letter writer expressed her concerns that she is “unsure of how to support her [daughter]”, as she gets increasingly worried about going to school.  

Proactive

Family psychotherapist Joanna Fortune said that as the root of the problem is happening in school, they must be approached with “urgency”. 

“I would approach this in kind of a parallel way given at least some of it is happening in school during school hours and is affecting her capacity to go into school in a relaxed, comfortable, happy way. 

 “I would certainly talk to the school, and I would do it now. 

“I wouldn't delay that. 

 “Now it is also coming up to midterm but it's, it's either this week or just after the midterm. Everyone's having their parent teacher meeting. 

 “I would be making a proactive plan and if your parent teacher meeting is ring fenced at eight to 10 minutes, you might want to give the teacher a heads up that you've got something on the agenda and you need to book an extra five to ten minutes. 

However, Joanna said although they are children, there is not always a simple solution to the problem. In fact, the root causes can often be hard to identify. 

 “If there is a group of kids and they're shouting in her face and telling her to go away, that just feels a little more than kids having a ‘we are not friends anymore’ moment. 

 “There could be something, or there could be nothing. 

 “You just don't know with it, but I would address it as soon as possible."

Unkind behaviour

According to Joanna, it is important for the parents to talk to their own daughter directly as well as the school.  

 “Talk to your own daughter about how this is unkind behavior. 

 “Label it overtly as that so that she's not confused about what this is. 

 “Let's look at who you could be playing with, who is kind, you have fun with, and you get along with and try to really amplify those connections. 

 “Friendships do change."