Christmas is a time of connection, but it can also bring stress, tension and emotional strain, particularly when family dynamics and politics collide.

On The Anton Savage Show, psychotherapist and author Stella O’Malley offered insight into why family tension can arise during Christmas and how toxic family patterns often resurface at this time of year.

O’Malley said one of the most common sources of tension is the “politics of where to go for Christmas," explaining that traditions often become fixed early on.

“There’s often kind of traditions are laid down generally by whichever sibling has children first,” she said.

“They get in there first and they create the kind of structure, and then suddenly it becomes like a rebellion to want to change that structure.”

She noted that family tensions intensified during the pandemic.

“It became very fraught over Covid,” she said, adding that “families became quite divisive at that point.”

Since then, she has noticed “a notable strain” around decisions about Christmas, including “whether you’re going to your mother’s, who’s going where and when are they going."

Politics, she said, has increasingly “seeped into the conversation," particularly between siblings, which can lead to family tension.

“Your sibling relationship is the longest relationship you’ll have in your life,” O’Malley said, describing how people who shared the same childhood can grow into adults with very different values.

When that happens, “it almost feels like a sense of betrayal."

Christmas can amplify those feelings, especially when people return to the family home.

“People tend to revert back to their sibling birth order” she said.

For some, that regression is harmless, but for others it cuts deep.

“Some people wear the scapegoat and they’re furious,” O’Malley said, describing how old labels can persist past childhood.

“They’re still being called the scapegoat when they prove themselves eight times over in adulthood.”

When it comes to managing competing expectations at Christmas, O’Malley acknowledged it is “incredibly hard," particularly if decisions have been left late.

Her key advice was to “get in early with your decision,” even if, as she admitted, she doesn’t always like planning too far ahead.