I've been dumped. Or at least I think so. I never received official confirmation. It wasn't until a friend queried the progress of the new man in my life that I realised he'd fallen off the face of the earth.
Shame. He was a nice enough chap. I thought perhaps I'd caused some unintended textual offense and was resigning myself to play nicer.
A friend joked, that it was highly probable he'd fallen into the cave many of the men she has dated have found themselves trapped in. Unable to find their way out of the labyrinth style man hole. A place where there is no mobile phone coverage or internet connection. I had, apparently, been “ghosted”.
What is “ghosting”?
It is not just the dating game that has changed but the dumping one wants in on the action too. People are no longer just swiping left in the virtual world but it’s happening in the real world too.
We - the dumpees - are no longer afforded the luxury of the "it's not you it's me" call or text. Now the simple offering of dead air or radio silence is all you get. Cue the love dust ball.
A key feature of ghosting is the lack of warning. There are no symptoms of unrest that rear their head prior to the vanishing. They just depart. No warning. No excuse. No manners.
It should be noted that ghosting and breaking up are two entirely different things. You really should only expect a ghosting if you’re dating the said person for a few weeks. There will be no major emotional connection/commitment. This makes it easier for your beau or belle to go paranormal. But does it make it easier for you?
What’s the problem?
I normally love a good horror movie. A good fright is a great laugh. The difference between the new horror genre of the romantic world and a horror flick is closure. For those of us that are unfortunate enough to be ghosted it’s the lack of closure that’s the killer.
A traditional dumping is a far more considerate way of cutting ties - no matter how little you think of the person. With a good aul “it’s not you it’s me text” the person on the receiving end will get the message - and a lot quicker than if you just vanish. It may hurt a little initially but at least you have the opportunity to get mad or sad or both and then just move on. Done.
But with a ghosting you can be left all sorts of scenarios to explain their unexplained departure. The man cave with no coverage seems to be the preferred choice. Your rational self knows it’s more than likely that other reliable dating nugget of “he’s just not that into you”. But why not just say so?
Why not just say so?
There is no denying that the act giving someone the romantic road is not something anyone looks forward to with any great zeal. It can be as nerve-wracking as that first date. But it’s the right thing to do. It may seem easier to play Houdini but if you take the time to drop the dumping text you will feel better too.
Ghosting can be a result of bad manners / lack of back bone or perhaps a respect deficiency.
Some people like to blame our relationship with social media on this style of dumping. Has our increased virtual experience of dating via Tinder and POF resulted in us becoming more virtual about our cutting ties?
Apparently not. Many of the people I talked to remarked how they had been ghosted pre Tinder or even Facebook days. Although our new social media selves may not be the reason for the ghosting it seems to be making it all the more common.
The digital format of dating enables people to delete their romantic nuances just as quickly as they initiated them. Social media does, however, offer an easy access solution. It offers you the platform to cut the ties without having to look your victim in the eye.
The Exorcism
So how to deal with a ghosting? Should you haunt them? Demand an explanation? There is no one size fits all solution. You may be entitled to seek clarification but that doesn’t mean you will get it. So feel free, if you must, to ask for one - but be it at your peril. There are three possible outcomes to your request:
A.) an apology with an explanation.
B.) an expletive.
C.) more dead air.
So if you are dead set on calling the bluff of your romantic Houdini be prepared for B. and C. You are probably best to just leave them where you imagined them - on that slow boat to China – minus a compass and mosquito repellent.
So, 'fess up people, have you ever ghosted someone? We want to know...
