As we all look at Downton, we now head to the local newsagents to get our copy of Country Life, don’t we?
The current edition has a list of 39 steps to becoming a modern gentleman. As a gentleman myself, I shall not put you through the whole palaver. Instead, I shall point out those close to my heart.
1 Negotiates airports with ease. Only if I can book a wheelchair. Then I can practice my royal wave as I whizz past long queues of the masses.
8 Avoids lilac socks and polishes his shoes. Perhaps with my lilac suit and matching lilac shoes? But, of course, I polish my shoes. Cloths rather than brushes, mind.
13 Breaks a relationship face-to-face. You were drunk when you met. The 'unconscious coupling' was just that. It's 2015. Text or twitter is where it's at.
15 Knows when to clap. At the cinema? Yep. The whole cast will hear you. Clapping means it was good - like after you survived two hours in a pressurised aluminium tube at 30,000 feet. Of course you want to clap when the plane lands.
19 Can undo a bra with one hand. Bra, boxers... neither are barriers to me when I get the mojo rising.
24 Never kisses and tells. Ah, come on. As long as it doesn’t put me in a bad light and the book deal had at least six zeros, I'll be delighted to tell all about the celeb and his mini.
29 Would never own a Chihuahua. They may have a point here. Would I really want to stamp on my little best friend while out for a walk? Any dog of mine should be at least knee-height.
34 Sandals? No. Never. Ah, here. How am I going to get to wear my fancy lilac socks? We’re Irish - the temperature rarely goes above 20 degrees so what do you expect? We might also be damning a whole generation of priests who wear socks with sandals. God forgive ye.
38 Never blow dries his hair. It’s a gadget. I’m a man. It’s my god-given right to use as many gadgets as possible. My curls need the warm flow of air. No surrender.
As you can see I am the perfect gentleman. So perfect that I landed a role in the next series of Downton.
'Eh, what's that?' I hear you muttering...
