No facts were harmed or checked in the making of this piece
Like Harry Redknapp hanging out of a car window, we're here to cut through the nonsense of silly season.
The rumour mill continues to turn apace, so here's a look at the stories making headlines today.
Aitor Karanka just signed striker Rudy Gestede from Aston Villa, where he was struggling to break into the first team. Clearly a target man, he's now looking for someone who could supply and Bojan has said he's open to a move away from the
Brittania bet365 Stadium.
If it's not Bojan, then expect a winger to be on their way to the north-east to get the ball in and onto the forehead of the big man.
Van Dijk going nowhere
The Dutch international has made a huge impression since moving from Celtic in 2015, and with captain Jose Fonte having handed in a transfer request, Southmapton are hardly looking to cash in on their best defender at this stage of the season.
There has been interest from all the big clubs (Chelsea, Manchester City, Liverpool) but Saints executive director Les Reed told the Southampton Echo: "We haven't had any bids and if we got any bids we wouldn't consider them because it just doesn't make sense to think we would release Virgil van Dijk in midseason when we have still got, we believe, all to play for."
Javier Hernandez back to put the 'p' in Premier League
His time at Bayer Leverkusen has largely been a success after struggling to break into the Manchester United or Real Madrid lineups, despite scoring important goals for both clubs.
Reports in The Independent state that he has fallen out with his team-mates in Germany, but a rumoured move back to the Premier League looks doubtful at this stage, as the club is more likely to sell him in the summer. The Guardian report that there has been no firm interest as of yet in this window for Chicharito.
Dele Alli and Harry Kane to China
The Daily Mail claim that there's an offer on the table to pour money down the gullet of Tottenham Hotspur and one or the other of their brightest young stars, Harry Kane and Dele Alli.
Although there's talk of £800,000 a week, something tells us that there's not a chance in hell either of these players is going to head off to the mega-rich league to pick up a pay cheque at this point in their career.
Alexis Sanchez is in the headlines a lot after his public display of dissatisfaction with his team-mates in the wake of their 3-3 draw at Bournemouth. Although a late goal saw them pull level, he was clearly unhappy that the side were settling for a draw, and has been in protracted negotiations over a hefty salary increase at the London club.
He may indeed fancy his chances at claiming silverware elsewhere, and while he's been linked with PSG in the Daily Mirror, we're throwing Juventus in the mix because hey, he's likely to pick up at least a scudetto and maybe even a Champions League winner's medal.